Emotional Intelligence Series #3: The Dark Side to Emotional Intelligence

For parts #1 and #2, see:

Introduction to Emotional Intelligence (includes why I write this series: for Hecate Einalian)

Applying Emotional Intelligence 

First things thing: proceed with caution!  

As always, here is my disclaimer:

I'm NOT a psychologist, nor a GP nor a therapist or a counsellor. If you have a mental health issue that arises from your exploration of EI and reading this blog piece, then I advise you to seek help and advice elsewhere. This blog and its exercises are designed for those who wish to develop their EI ONLY. Therefore DISCLAIMER: I can't be held responsible for any emotional or psychological issues that arise from this blog series.

In this blog post, I want to explore the dark side of EI; when people who think they have a developed EI end up using it badly or managing themselves and others badly. This largely involves busting some myths, and these myths come under two categories: Managing emotions and communicating with others. These are thoughts I’ve developed myself and things I’ve come across in my own journey, so this list is not exhaustive. You might find yourself thinking of other ways EI can present itself in negative ways. I will provide some exercises at the end to continue your EI journey.

Managing your emotions

Myth 1: Suppressing/ignoring negative feelings

I have two words here: Toxic positivity. Ignoring a bad situation and thinking yourself positive to get out of it will not help. If you are in a bad, or even a dangerous situation, then you need to take action. And of course, if you are speaking with someone else who is going through something, you need to avoid saying things like “it will turn out fine.” Forcing someone or yourself to see a silver lining in reality does not help a person actively manage their emotions.

Myth 2: Turning to comfort will help alleviate how you feel

Having a nice bath, taking a day, and treating yourself are all well and good. But on an emotional level, this is only a distraction. You need to work through the emotion in order to understand it. That means sitting down, getting a notebook, letting yourself feel guilt, shame, or whatever and asking yourself some serious questions about WHY you feel that way. I created a flow chart to do this for myself. Of course, sometimes you will need to create a safe and relaxing environment in order to work through emotions. But telling yourself that “you can’t be too hard on yourself” about a mistake is not making yourself accountable to what you did. Save the comfort for afterwards.

Emotional intelligence (EI) is not a zero sum game between yourself and those around you.

Communicating your emotions

Myth 3: Labelling others is accurate

When you immediately blame another person, then the other person is labelled as the bully, and you are the victim. This arises because we feel a strong emotion from being wronged or accused etc. and we immediately see the other person as “the bad one”. It’s a similar case to when we call people toxic, which happens a lot these days. People throw this word around so much because it makes it easier to paint “the other” as the bad one. This article in the Guardian is a great article that goes into this: Stop calling people ‘toxic’. Here’s why | Hannah Baer | The Guardian. These stories are one-sided and inaccurate because there is inherent bias, and this type of bias is known as fundamental attribution error, or blame attribution bias. Normally when we vent, we will all do this. BUT once the strong emotion has worn off, this should stop. Because continually doing this indicates that you do not have a level of accountability for yourself.

Myth 4: Posting about your emotions on social media will help you

How you talk and share your emotions is a big sign of maturity! We all need to vent and it is good for us to do so. Share your emotions, swear about someone if you have to… in private of course! Then do what you need to do to analyse the situation to come to terms with it. BUT be very careful about venting on social media. Putting up passive aggressive posts in the form of subtle memes for example is a clear sign of emotional immaturity, and is indicative of other psychological issues. If you are labelling people (see myth 3) in posts, that is showing the world that you will continue to do that, and people are less likely to remain friends with you.

Imagine seeing someone else on social media labelling you as the bully or toxic, and even going as far to make it obvious it is you! I personally avoid people and businesses who do this because what is to say they won’t do it about me given the slightest mistake? We have all done this in the past(!) but generally the best thing to do is to vent offline.

Oftentimes, there are occasions where people write about their emotions without any accusations but on some level, they seek sympathetic attention e.g. sadfishing. It’s important to note that there is nothing wrong with describing a situation where people have been wronged. Sometimes it’s essential to talk about it because it highlights important systemic issues. But when it happens consistently, and it’s the only type of post that people put up, it often indicates another issue, as this article in The Conversation outlines.

Myth 4: You need to tell someone when they don’t have a good EI

You might think you have a reasonably good EI, and you have been in discussion or had an argument with someone who in your opinion has a much less developed EI. But telling them this is a surefire way to destroy your relationship with them and lose their respect. Here are some examples of what this might sound like:

“God, you really don’t know how to deal with your emotions do you?!”

“You should feel grateful that I understand your position.”

“You should be careful with that next time”.

These sound incredibly patronising. If someone else is going through something, then the whole point of having EI is that you help them, not push them away. It is not your job to tell them what to do. Instead, inspire and encourage them. For instance, talking about a similar situation that happened to you, and what it made you realise is a subtle way to guide them. But it is still up to them to pick up on it and go down that line of enquiry.

Myth 5: You are allowed to be rude and aggressive to someone you believe who has wronged you

This is absolutely NOT what EI is about! People think clever comebacks are the best way to deal with a rude person. But this only makes someone more defensive, as does telling someone that they are rude etc. You should not be making people feel worse about themselves. Let them do that by themselves. Instead, when someone has been rude to you, or someone else, give them the benefit of the doubt: Ask them questions such as:

“Was that meant to sound [insert negative word on how interpreted that]?” or question what they said, and not them “that was a horrible thing to say,” instead of “you’re a horrible person.” By focusing on the action or the words being upsetting or horrible gives people a chance to correct themselves. This will empower them and is more likely to make them strive to do better next time (hopefully!).

Myth 6: You don’t need to apologise to someone who has wronged you, and you defended yourself with something rude or uncalled for

This takes myth 3 and 5 to a whole new level. Things are rarely black and white. There may be the odd case where someone has said something upsetting to you, and you said something neutral back. But if you believe you are justified in being rude or aggressive back, and you bite-back, you can just as equally upset that person. Cases like this are more likely to happen in less extreme situations, such as between acquaintances. Like person B who was upset about a serious accusation levelled at them by person A even though person B had apologised to person A about something else!

A better example might be this: You might have witnessed two people (one of which you are closer with) having a disagreement. The person you are less close with has been mildly rude to the other one. Unbeknownst to you, the two people messaged and the one who was mildly rude apologised and they made up. But you come crashing in to defend your friend and telling the other person off publicly. You have just embarrassed them, and you have shown the world how aggressive you can be. In cases of this, instead of lashing out at the person who has done something wrong, get in touch with the other person and find out. Remember, you are equally likely to be upset at someone else who has already upset you. In short, remember myth 5!

Summary

Overall, at the heart of good EI is knowing that you can’t avoid uncomfortable feelings; they do need to be faced. Additionally, it is important to know when the right time is and how to say something, or even if to say something all. EI is a muscle; we need to train ourselves to think differently about how we feel. In turn this helps us avoid making mistakes in our EI journey. So what do you think? Have I missed anything that might come under the dark side of EI? To reiterate myself, EI is a constant process where there is no single goal to be reached. It is a continuous process that allows a person to manage themselves…. and eventually others too.

Exercises

Here are two questions to think about and make notes on:

A) What do you usually do when you feel an intense negative emotion?

1. Write a list of things that you do that may sabotage yourself when you feel an intense negative emotion. Here is are examples:

Forcing myself to not think about it/ dismissing it

Not taking the time to full understand to analyse why you feel that way

Venting or passively aggressively posting on social media immediately after such an event and why (what exactly are you looking for when you vent: just a vent, or sympathy)

Labelling people: that you are the victim and someone else is the bully.

2. Based on your list, think about what good habits you can develop. For example:

Take time after work to dwell and make notes on the emotion

Talking to someone offline about the situation and telling them whether you want to just vent, or sympathy or advice.

Doing something to release an emotion e.g. journaling, doing something creative, working out, listening to music, or meditation.

Learning methods to help you relax and not get emotional (e.g. count to 10 and breathe deeply)

Develop a set of neutral non-aggressive set phrases you can use when you are in a situation where you are likely to get emotional.

Set yourself a reminder to question whether you should post something (after a bad event).

Start to implement this list into your daily routine to create these good habits.

B) What do you want to do to help people through strong emotions?

1. Make a list of things you do that are sabotage your relationships with others. Examples include:

Brushing them off e.g. “I’m busy”, “this is a ridiculous conversation, I’m leaving.”

Bringing a topic up at the wrong time for them e.g. at the end of a stressful day, right before bed.

Bringing up unrelated topics to the main issue if you have approached them about something significant e.g. an accusation

Your negative emotional status e.g. if you are prone to projecting, then you are likely to project

Changing the conversation or talking about yourself when someone is confiding in you.

2. Now list things you can do to turn those mistakes around. Examples include:

Telling someone you’re happy to have a conversation but scheduling it for another time

Put a reminder on your phone to bring up an issue at time you know the person will be open to discussing it

Make sure you take the time to analyse the situation and understand your own emotions, and how you have been affected before you even approach someone with a topic

Writing down very specifically what you want to talk about: note down only what is relevant and stick to it.

Active listening

Asking people what they want from the conversation (to vent, advice, sympathy)

And then start to implement these good habits!

Let me know how you get on in the comments below!