Emotional Intelligence Series #1: An Introduction to Emotional Intelligence
- Hazel
- Aug 23
- 8 min read
First things thing: proceed with caution!
I'm NOT a psychologist, nor a GP nor a therapist or a counsellor. If you have a mental health issue that arises from your exploration of EI and reading this blog piece, then I advise you to seek help and advice elsewhere. This blog and its exercises are designed for those who wish to develop their EI ONLY. Therefore DISCLAIMER: I can't be held responsible for any emotional or psychological issues that arise from this blog series.
Introducing the Emotional Intelligence Series
As a CoH Torchbearer, I chose to advocate for Hecate’s oceanic path and everything it represents. My torch is actually a fluorescent tower snail shell which was handed to me in the dark depths of a lake by a mermaid in an incredible dream I had in 2012. The fact it is fluorescent is what lights up the dark underwater world.
I have written before on Hecate Einalian and everything she represents. However, I want to expand on a particular subject that I have only touched on before that falls under Hecate’s oceanic path: emotional intelligence (EI). Advocating for Her oceanic path for me means encouraging others to develop their emotional intelligence. Thus I am creating a series that focuses on EI with much greater depth (pun intended) than I have written about before. With each blog in this series, I will provide some optional exercises for the reader so they can explore their EI as we go along. I do not intend to post a blog on this series at a certain frequency, and of course not every blog I write might be on EI. But I will continue this series for as long as I see fit, and for as long as I get ideas. Such topics in the future will include applying EI by providing examples, the dark side of it, and linking it to Hecate’s symbols and the CoH’s 5 Virtues.
In this blog piece, I will introduce the concept, provide some starter exercises for the reader, and give some ideas on how you can start your EI journey.
Emotional Intelligence
EI or emotional quotient (EQ) is the capacity to understand your emotions and to use that awareness to manage your behaviour and improve your relationships. At its core, developing and managing EI requires deep analysis and objectivity. This is because a person needs to learn about themselves and develop a strong sense of self-awareness. EI begins with self-awareness because in order for a person to manage their behaviour when confronted with a strong emotion, they need to know in the first place that they are experiencing a strong emotion. This then leads to understanding how a person normally reacts to an emotion, and then evaluate how they should react. The ego has no place in EI development; a person needs to be able to admit their flaws, and any uncomfortable feelings they have.
Apart from the direct links to the oceanic path (Einalian), I find that Hecate as a Goddess of Transformation is perfect for this type of journey. Indeed I have written before on how Hecate can work extremely well as a Goddess of Self-development.
Ultimately, there are four key skills of (EI)-
1) Self- awareness: This is about understanding the self; what triggers a person to react strongly.
2) Self- management: This is about using that understanding to manage how a person reacts. So even if there is a trigger that a person normally reacts to, it is possible for the person to train to not react to it.
3) Social awareness: This is the ability to pick up on other people’s emotions.
4) Relationship management: This is the ability to use self-awareness and social awareness to manage interactions successfully.
It was in his book Emotional Intelligence (Goleman, 1995), where David coins the term, synthesises previous research, identifies the key skills, and highlights how more important it is as a success determinant when compared to intelligence quotient (IQ). He ultimately popularised the term, and since then, there has been an explosion of publications on the topic. It has become embedded into a lot of other societal aspects, such as mental health, the workplace, and parenting. The charity Save the Children even has resources to encourage EI teaching in schools.
The idea that people can train themselves and thus improve their EI is based on the plasticity of the brain, and how the brain reacts to the environment. Emotional hijacking is when people react so strongly to something that the reaction within a person causes them to say or do something unproductive, often to the detriment of a relationship. In the brain, an emotional stimulus bypasses the “thinking” part of the brain and goes straight to the “emotional” part of it. This means the pathways that stimuli take can change. This plasticity means that if something is repeated enough, the pathways within the brain rewire. It is this that allows people to train themselves to react differently and thus manage themselves better, and one of the ways people can do this is by understanding their own triggers; what gets them angry for instance.
The importance of emotions
Now emotions exist for a reason. They are a sign of something else. While positive emotions are welcomed, negative emotions are often suppressed or incorrectly channeled where they might lead to destructive habits. Fear often motivates people to move away from a situation where their lives may be threatened. If anger (at an injustice) hijacks a person, then that person can act in a way where it damages reputations and destroys relationships. The important thing here is that being in a good mood all the time is not the goal. Ultimately having good EI is not about ignoring/not acting on bad emotions (or even acting on good emotions sometimes!), it’s about knowing when and how to act on certain emotions.
Additionally, the role of emotions continues even after a person has developed their EI. EI is a constant process where there is no single goal to be reached. It is a continuous process that allows a person to manage themselves. Because of this, EI is a tool to be used when appropriate. If a person develops themselves far enough, then they become someone who can help others. But this does not in any way assume that the person is perfect at all times in managing themselves! In other words, everyone has a bad day from time to time!
Different pathways to EI
Having an undeveloped EI does not look the same for everyone. I will use two extreme ends of the spectrum to explain this.
Imagine a person who values facts and logic over emotions. Their arguments will be very fact-based, and they will most likely suppress their emotions. This stereotype might actually ignore any signs of emotion in themselves, or in others because they might find it uncomfortable. Pleading for understanding will fall on deaf ears with this stereotype, and in social situations, they will not be able to pick up on any social or emotional cues. Their communication might be blunt, which others might interpret as being rude. They are very good at setting boundaries, and will probably also have a very strong self-discipline. But should someone see them as cold, and unfeeling, or even if they ignore someone else’s emotional state, the relationship may suffer.
At the other extreme, there are people who value emotions more than facts. These people are likely to have very good relationships with others as long as the other person is able to deal with their strong emotions; negative and positive! These people are so good at picking up on emotional and social cues that they may get easily affected by other’s emotions, events or occurrences. This stereotype is very sensitive and will be probably be easily offended, and extremely reactive to even the smallest of things. They might get angry, or upset very easily, feel victimised, and immediately want to cut off ties with the person that triggered their emotion. This is just as damaging as the other end of the spectrum because this type will make decisions on the basis of their emotion at the time, and because emotions are temporary, they can make the wrong decision, and push people away.
These are two very extreme ends, and I have simplified them a lot here. I think we all exist to some degree on this spectrum, and we may able to see parts of these stereotypes in us either now, or perhaps in our past. EI is about balancing such extremes. It is because of this that everyone starts out in a different EI state, so each person’s journey to developing EI is unique.
Our Background and Experiences
In order to get started in developing self-awareness and taking that first step on a journey towards a better and improved EI, a person needs to explore their background. Life experiences and early relationships in life (a person’s parents or immediate family) form the backbone of a person’s EI. As a person grows up into adulthood, they may end up absorbing and internalising the emotional processing they were taught, or they might do the opposite as they realise how the effect of their family. As an adult, any single life event can have a huge impact. Traumatic events can condition a person to think and behave a certain way, and in rare occasions, and this can dramatically alter a person’s approach to their own emotional management. By analysing the past, this informs a person how they feel about their emotions, how they were brought up to deal with their emotions, and those of other people. In turn this affects relationships. This forms the basis of developing self-awareness, which people need first before anything else.
Exercises
These are optional and they give a reader a place to start in developing their self-awareness.
Here are some questions to get you started, and some exercise files. This is entirely for you, and you do not have to answer them in the comments. Simply use them to make notes for yourself on your journey.
Questions based on your current situation
• Using that spectrum of the stereotypes above, where do you lie?
(Are you a very emotionally reactive person? Or do you suppress an emotion?)
• How comfortable are you with emotions? Especially negative emotions?
• How do you react to criticism?
• Has there been a significant event(s) in your past that has conditioned you to think or behave a certain way today? If so, note how it has affected you.
• Look at your present-day influences that affect your current emotional status
(This can include your love life, friendships, the role of Hecate, relationships with family that you don’t live with, relationships with those that you do live with, your work-place.
Download the file “Family History and Background” and fill it in.
Further reading
Barrett, L. F. 2023 How Emotions are Made. Pan/Piatkus Limited.
Bradberry, T & and Greaves, J. 2009. Emotional Intelligence 2.0. Talent Smart
Goleman, D. 1996. Emotional Intelligence. Bloomsbury.
Lomas, T. The Positive Power of Negative Emotions. Piatkus.
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