Emotional Intelligence Series #2 Applying Emotional Intelligence- Examples
- Hazel
- 1 day ago
- 7 min read
This is part 2 in my Emotional Intelligence Series which builds upon part #1 Introduction to EI where I explained why I’m writing about emotional intelligence and how it links to my Torchbearer role within the CoH where I advocate for Hecate’s Oceanic path (Einalian and Krataiis).
Once more, here is my disclaimer:
I'm NOT a psychologist, nor a GP nor a therapist or a counsellor. If you have a mental health issue that arises from your exploration of EI and reading this blog piece, then I advise you to seek help and advice elsewhere. This blog and its exercises are designed for those who wish to develop their EI ONLY. Therefore DISCLAIMER: I can't be held responsible for any emotional or psychological issues that arise from this blog series.
In this blog piece, I will provide some examples which show EI in practice. I will outline some example scenarios which will show either a well-developed EI, or not. If you have been doing the exercises that I provided in part 1, then I will provide some assessment questions for you here at the end. I will assume here that you have read part 1, so let’s dig in.
Scenario 1:
Mona leans towards valuing emotions naturally. She is a nurse, she has empathy and she picks up on social cues very easily. Before she went to university to study nursing, her parents always taught her to be people-pleasing, and they were more likely to tell her off for being rude (which was rare anyway) than her older brother who got away with a lot more. In her twenties, she shared a house with three other students where she would to go out of her way to help her housemates which happened quite a bit. Doing this however was sometimes to the detriment of her health. By the time she reached her 30’s, some people had taken advantage of her good nature. She realised that she needed stop people-pleasing, and establish firm boundaries. But she slowly went to the extreme. She became blunt to the point of rudeness, and she expected people to accept when she dropped out of events. A few people realised what was happening. Some distanced themselves, and some found themselves walking on eggshells just to not offend her. Only one person Lisa had the guts to tell her how it is. This is how Lisa said it: “Mona, you need to stop being rude to people. You stood Mark and Peter up, and on Peter’s birthday. Mark had been planning Peter’s birthday for 2 months, and all you just said when they asked why you didn’t turn up in the end was that you didn’t feel like it. For God’s sake Mona, stop being such a dick!” Obviously, Mona did not like what she had heard, and completely ignored Lisa. She actually ended up pushing people who were more emotional-based away from her.
Scenario 2:
Kate is interested in EI and has been trying to work on herself. She was coming back from work on a crowded bus after a busy day where people would try to get on the bus before letting others off. One such person who crammed on had a huge backpack and in taking it off slammed their elbow into her back which hurt a lot, but the person apologised. But Kate was getting increasingly annoyed as she watched others cram on and not thinking about the people who wanted to get off first. She watched as one woman who was trying to get off actually repeat: “Can I get off? I’m trying to get off.” She was also wondering how she could strategically place herself to ensure she could get off the bus smoothly. She moved into her strategic position when the bus was at the stop prior to hers. At that stop, the same thing happened again: people were trying to get on before others could get off. She finally broke, and vented at people in front of her by the door telling them to wait. At the same time, a woman behind her kept saying “excuse me” repeatedly. Someone else pointed out that the woman was saying “excuse me” to Kate because she was in the way of the other woman getting off. She went silent and moved to let the other woman off. At the next stop, Kate got off and immediately felt awful. Eager to get the bottom of why she felt this way, she examined herself that evening. She constructed a flow chart to help herself, and she was able to identify her awful feeling; it was guilt. She identified that her trigger was injustice and inconsideration towards others. She also realised that had she not given into her trigger and vented, that she would have actually paid more attention and would have been considerate to the woman behind her. Realising she felt guilty that she had not been considerate herself, she made a mental note to try and not vent the next time she witnessed or was involved in a similar situation.
Scenario 3
Beth and Phoebe were in a relationship for years. Both knew that Beth spoke about her experiences based on her emotions, and that she projected any uncomfortable emotions. Both also knew that Phoebe was good at being objective, but that she could often be blunt. They loved each other, and they learnt a lot from each other. However, they broke up amicably. Years later, both were in relationships (Phoebe with Matt, and Beth with Tracey), and all four would hang out happily. Beth could clearly see that Phoebe and Matt loved each other. When Phoebe said that they thinking of moving in together, Beth was delighted for Phoebe. Sometime after, Beth admitted to Phoebe that things were pretty tough for her and Tracey but she didn’t give details. One night, Tracey was ill but encouraged Beth to hang out with the others. That night Matt and Beth had an argument. Three months later, Beth emailed Phoebe, and told her that she had felt offended by some of the things Matt said. She then asked Phoebe if she was OK and insinuated that Matt was abusing Phoebe, and that she would help Phoebe if she ever wanted to leave him. Beth said she felt the need to say this because she had talked with other people and told them that she thought she saw signs of abuse. When Matt discovered this accusation, he was extremely upset that Beth would think that he was ab abuser, and Phoebe could see this. Matt apologised to Beth, and a while later Phoebe told Beth that she had upset Matt. However, Beth never apologised. While Phoebe knew this accusation was uncalled for, she knew exactly where it had come from: Beth was projecting how she was feeling about her and Tracey onto them. Despite Phoebe’s anger, she figured it wasn’t her place to be meddle with Beth’s relationship with Tracey. She wanted to say something, but worried she might be too blunt she actually Googled ‘what’s the best way to deal when people project at you?’. She found the line: “I believe you are feeling this but it is not related to me. You may want to reflect on your own emotions.” Phoebe inserted only the first sentence into a long message. She never found out if Beth picked up on this, or even if Beth knew what she was doing, and yet still Beth never apologised. She decided to leave the issue. Phoebe later found out from Beth that she and Tracey felt they needed time together and had gone on a holiday together. Phoebe wondered if Beth had finally realised that she was projecting.
Analysing the scenarios
A few things about EI emerge from the scenarios:
Balance is key for EI
EI helps a person to manage their themselves for their own health and wellbeing. But at the same time, EI also helps a person to manage their relationships, and maybe even help others. In order words, EI should help you manage yourself but not at the expense of others, and EI should help you manage your relationships but not at the expense of yourself. Mona had a degree of self- awareness to know she had to take care of herself. But she lost herself, and became the opposite driving people away. Even when Lisa spoke to her, she couldn’t hear it.
Self-awareness is the first most important thing
Kate was very good at self-awareness. She clearly did not let her ego dominate because she knew she had made a mistake. Even though she identified her trigger (injustice) she knows that she doesn’t necessarily have to speak up all the time because it may land badly (as it did in this case!).
Despite Beth trying to seek outside advice, she doesn’t really have it. Can we really trust that Beth was speaking objectively when she is known to speak solely from an emotional point? What about Beth’s friends? Are they ‘yes-people’ given in to her because of how she says things? And why did Beth feel the need to add her accusation while also saying she was offended? Did she on some level fear that being honest about her feelings about the argument might warrant an aggressive comeback from Phoebe and that therefore she needs to “pad” her message with something else other than the argument? This could be because she is affected by her past experience with Phoebe. It appears that Beth may have developed the self-awareness to know her relationship was slightly rocky. But did she know she was projecting? We will never know!
Communication is essential for managing relationships
Even though Lisa was right in her message, the way she said to Mona was awful. She made accusations herself. The way Lisa spoke immediately put Mona on the defensive, and when someone is on the defensive, they don’t listen. Beth is a lot better at communication than Phoebe because Matt apologised because Beth was talking how the experience had made her feel. Phoebe had the self-awareness to know that she can be blunt, and the experience that Beth might be particularly sensitive to how she said things made her think ahead. So she actually did research on the best way to communicate her point, even if Beth may or may not have picked up on it.
A final point here is that we all are to a degree biased in our experiences. We are most likely to think that we are the victim, and that the other person is in the wrong, and we are all affected by past experiences. If something has gone wrong for us in the past, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will happen again. Unfortunately, people fall into a trap and assume the worst about someone. The idea with emotional intelligence is that we need to judge ourselves objectively to understand ourselves.
Exercises
Download the file “Your Triggers” and fill it in.
Further reading