When I joined the Torchbearer Bootcamp at the beginning of 2024, I didn't know what to expect. What I did know was that I was finally ready to take the next step. Or was I?
Like many of us, my life had not been the easiest, and over the last decade I had battled anxiety and depression. When Hekate found me in my darkest hour, I used every ounce of energy I had to grab her and never let go. I was like a lost and frightened little snake, wrapping myself around Hekate's leg as tightly as I could. And that was it. I could not do any courses; I tried many times. But depression took hold of me. With Hekate by my side, I went down to the Underworld. I stayed there, feeling as if time had stood still. But I was healing, slowly, deep down in the dark wells of her most maternal and protective realm.
Hekate is a goddess of a thousand faces. The face she shows you is the one she chooses for you. While others were telling exciting stories of her actions in their lives, "my" Hekate was silent, watching me, protecting me, letting my wounds heal. Many times I wondered if she had left me because I never found her "typical" signs in my life. Do not fall for this! Remember: Hekate is an eternal goddess, wise and deeply compassionate. She is there, do not lose faith! Just stay with her, and if she seems distant, ask yourself why that might be. She is probably trying to tell you something. Perhaps she is waiting for a change of thought or action on your part? No matter how distant she may seem, she never is! Cyndi Brannen wrote in her Keeping Her Keys book: "It's not her, it's me". Try to look into that.
One of the worst things about dealing with depression is that even the smallest act of devotion can take all your energy. But although other devotees may not understand what you are dealing with, Hekate does. Whatever I did, she knew the effort behind it and I always felt her gratitude.
In 2023 I took Sorita and Emily's Torchlight Path course. It was the first course I was able to complete! I was so grateful and it gave me so much hope to finally be able to learn more. On this course, during one of Emily's guided meditations, I saw Hekate handing me her torches. I was thrilled! And after the course I had another vision of myself holding Hekate's torches, again! So when I heard about the Torchbearer Bootcamp, I gathered all my courage and signed up, despite all my fears that I might fail. But somehow the Covenant of Hekate seems to have its own magical light (thank you, Hekate!). Very
soon I felt safe in the class, I felt understood. The other participants were all very nice and I was able to open up. I was excited about the work and could do most of it! It felt like home. Even now that the course is over, I am still in contact with other participants, not only in the project groups we started at the end of the camp, but also in
private conversations. I consider them my friends.
After the Bootcamp I started the Torchbearer training with Renée. This was also a very helpful time to get into the basics of the COH, like a daily devotional practice and understanding the five virtues. However, again I became anxious about my responsibilities. Was I - AM I - up to the task? I still struggle with anxiety and depression, although I am much better now. My mentor listened to my concerns and helped me through. I know that many of us have obstacles in our way. The only thing we can do is to
never give up. Not in an exhausting way, but in a healthy way. Do what you can do. Don't do what you can't. Take care of yourself first, or soon you won't be able to do that either. Depression is a hard teacher. But whenever you have some energy left, do something for Hekate, do something for our beautiful Covenant, write something, be there for others. Let your torch shine! And if each of us does just that, we will be more than fine.
At the end of the torchbearer training, you have to choose a topic for your torchbearer essay, and also an epithet for the sanctuary we would build as torchbearers. I had no idea. Renée made some great suggestions for topics to write about, but I just could not decide. At one of our last meetings, I complained that I could not find an epithet for my future sanctuary. Then she came up with the idea of writing about the whole process of choosing a name. And I loved the idea! I thought maybe it would help others with the process? Then I thought, maybe it would be interesting to write about my whole journey to becoming a Torchbearer? And here it is...
Finding the right epithet was difficult again. At first it seemed really easy. Just pick one of the ones I like and that's it. But then I thought: Maybe an epithet I love today is one that reflects my current life themes? What if they change? Needless to say, I started discussing with everyone who could not escape in time... My best friend suggested to choose an epithet that I could work well with. I had done some protection work for friends before. That would be an idea, but I just did not feel it... Maybe I had to wait. During the time I struggled with this decision, I often felt Hekate watching me with a gentle smile on her face and saying, "Everything will be fine. Don't worry." I also heard from other Torchbearer students that Hekate had shown herself to them in the same way. Our goddess can be deeply relaxed, especially when we aren't... After a few weeks, I was an emotional wreck, about to burst into hysterical laughter when I felt that look on her face. I tried meditative journeys to reveal 'my' epithet, but whenever I met Hekate she told me not to worry, that any epithet would be fine.
So I changed my strategy. Instead of trying to find it intuitively, I started researching her epithets to find the one that was made for me. I looked at all the epithets I could find. An important resource for learning about Hekate's epithets is Neheti's "master post" on tumblr. It contains over 100 epithets with brief explanations, as well as separate research entries for each epithet, including images and well-curated sources. I even found more epithets, as well as additional information or interpretations, by searching the internet and in the books I have at home (see the list below).
Looking at all this information was very enlightening and it became clear to me why Hekate was so relaxed. Finding an epithet was an own learning process, a journey she enjoyed taking with me and wanted me to enjoy, too. "Take your time" - that was not just to reassure me, but to encourage me to look deeper into it, into the epithets, into their history, into my own thoughts and feelings. As I mentioned before, I spoke to my friends who are going through the same process with her and they were experiencing pretty much the same thing. This process has been a blessing and a journey to a deeper knowledge of Hekate and our own true selves! And not only that. It was not just the question of what would be the best epithet for me and Hekate. It was also the
question that arose within me: What could be most helpful for our Covenant? What do we need? So I reread our guidelines and aims and took some time to think about it.
I have to admit that I am not very good at researching historical facts. But what I found here in the COH, and what is most important to me, is a supportive community that shares its love for our beautiful goddess Hekate.
I can still feel the light that spread during the Torchbearer Bootcamp and I would love to keep that alive. How do we do that? Through communication. Staying in touch, appreciating each other, sharing and growing together as a team, as a community.
We have everything we need. We have a beautiful website, which for smartphone addicts like me is even better with the wix / spaces app (https://de.wix.com/mobile/wix-app) because you automatically get updates about new posts etc. The website allows us to chat, to blog, to work in groups on projects, to include devotees not speaking English in groups of other languages. What we need to do is keep it alive. Each of us is dedicated to Hekate and each of us wants to do acts of devotion. Let us dedicate ourselves to keeping alive the fire that feeds our Covenant. Let us dedicate ourselves to growing
together as a community. With a strong community behind us, we can all carry Hekate’s torches more easily into our daily lives. And in these times of change, everyone needs that light.
I would like to share my daily devotional prayer to Hekate, which is also a visualization. I usually say it as it comes, but I have tried to formulate it for everyone:
I O Hekate Soteira, Universal Queen
Who was there before all existence
Who will be there when everything has ended
May your eternal fire shine brightly throughout the cosmos,
Protecting and delighting yourself above all.
May it flow from You as a divine energy
To all beings who serve You,
to all who love You,
to all whom You love,
in all realms.
May it protect, nourish and bless all that it touches.
May this light also flow to us, Your devotees,
To protect us, to heal us, to guide us.
May it shine brightly in our hearts and into our daily lives
and make a difference in this world.
And may this energy eventually flow back to You, telling You about us and our lives,
and recharge in the eternal flame of Your torches until it begins a new cycle.
I O Hekate!
So mote it be.
Returning to my thoughts on "my" epithet. I asked myself which one would best fit to me, which one would best serve Hekate and which one would be a good contribution to the COH. So now, with all these thoughts in mind, I would just have to go through the list of epithets again to find the most suitable one. I was quite confident that I would find one that would fit my thoughts. So I prayed to Hekate to finally reveal the epithet for my future sanctuary and reread Neheti's list. And received the next lesson from our beautiful queen. Despite all my research and arguments, I had stopped considering my guts. I read the list and suddenly, for no apparent reason, I fell in love with Chthonia. I could not explain it at first, but it had to be. All the thinking and exploring suddenly felt like an exercise solely for the purpose of exploring Hekate and myself.
Chthonia - this epithet had been there since the beginning of my journey with Hekate, patiently waiting for me to return to my personal roots - the Underworld, where I had been for so long to heal my shadows of fear and depression. My beloved Underworld and its honest, somehow comforting darkness that I still know by heart. From that
moment on, I knew I could not choose any other epithet. It had to be
Chthonia. It still has to be. I hope my story will inspire you to work with Hekate, maybe to join our Covenant, perhaps even to take the Torchbearer course and create your
own sanctuary. Even if you decide to take only a part of this path, let me
tell you: it is worth it.
Appendix A)
Finding an Epithet - Ideas for Divination
Here are some ideas for finding "your" epithet - maybe for a situation or decision you need help with, maybe for your current daily life, maybe for a sanctuary. But never forget: Hekate has her own sense of humor in helping you with this ;)
- Try meditative journeys to connect more deeply with yourself. As a starting point you could do the
Sacred Grove Meditation of the Sanctuary of Hekate Potnia Theron and the Torchbearer Meditation
torchbearer-meditation-project-has-been-launched).
- Use Hekatean oracle cards, such as the "Oracle of the Hekatean Path" by Kenn Payne and Christopher
Butler or the "Hekatean Symbola Oracle Deck" by Marcia C. Silva. You could also make simple epithet
cards yourself.
- Assign numbers to the epithets you want to consider and that fit on a die (easy for roleplayers who
have dice of all sizes). A d20 would be great.
- Use a pendulum or other divination tools.
- (Get drunk and) listen to the voices in your head.
- Do what feels right – and don't listen to some alcohol-advertising lunatic ;)
Appendix B) Finding an Epithet - Helpful Resources:
Websites:
Neheti's Epithets Master Post. Includes over 100 epithets, their explanations and sources for further
reading.
Covenant of Hekate website. Constantly growing site with lots of helpful information. Includes a blog,
as well as open and member-specific groups for helpful discussion.
Mat Auryn's blog at patheos.com has an article "The Many Epithets Of Hekate" which includes a long
list of epithets (320!) with short descriptions. Sources (including Neheti's website and two of her books
published under the name Sara Croft) are given.
Work of Leonardo (as mentioned in Mat Auryn's blog entry above) who identified epithets of Hekate
in the Greek Magical Papyri (PGM).
Books:
Circle for Hekate by Sorita D'Este. A must read for any torchbearer. A classic from the day it was
published. Essential for learning all about Hekate.
D'Este, Sorita (2017) Circle for Hekate - Volume I: History & Mythology (BM AVALONIA) (and references
therein)
Hekate themed coloring book by Neheti. Beautifully done.
Sara Croft (2016) Knowing Hekate: a spiritual coloring experience (Wicket Icons)
Devotional book from Neheti. I love using it for prayers or just to browsing.
Sara Croft (2019) Evensongs for Hekate: Poems, Hymns and Prayers (Wicket Icons)
Keeping Her Keys by Cyndi Brannen. Teaches Modern Hekatean Witchcraft, which is a fascinating
approach. The book includes several epithets as well as basic knowledge about Hekate.
Cyndi Brannen (2019) Keeping Her Keys. An Introduction to Hekate's Modern Witchcraft (Moon Books)
Entering Hekate's Cave by Cyndi Brannen. A book that takes the reader on a journey of self-healing.
Each step of this journey is dedicated to an epithet and has its own chapter.
Cyndi Brannen (2023) Entering Hekate's Cave (Weiser Books)
Translation of the Greek Magical Papyri (PGM) by Hans Dieter Betz. A translation of the ancient magical
papyri. It is often studied by scholars to learn about ancient Greco-Egyptian magical culture and
contains several spells and prayers, including Hekate. For those who speak German, the older
translation by Karl Preisendanz (from 1928) is freely available as a scan on the internet
(https://digi.ub.uni-heidelberg.de/diglit/heidhs3763IIA-51bd1/0001/scroll), which includes the
original Greek script.
Betz, Hans-Dieter (Editor) (1996) The Greek Magical Papyri in Translation: Including the Demotic Spells:
Volume 1: Texts (University of Chicago Press)
Jack Grayle’s Hekataeon also has an entire chapter on almost 30 epithets, each one described in detail
in for the devotional journey the reader takes with this living book. The many hymns and prayers in the
book also include additional epithets.
Grayle, Jack (1996) The Hekataeon (Grayle press, sold at Miskatonic Books)
Happy researching :) May Hekate light your way!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us! <3 I made a very similar experience on a guided meditation during the "Torchlit Path" were Hekate gave me the Torches and I also got this "lesson in patience" during the Bootcamp and the Torchbearer Prozess.